Saturday, November 29, 2008


I am thankful for.....

being able to prepare for thanksgiving,

by making cornucopia breads with my children's classes,

for each child to take one to their own home,

kindergarteners and 8 year olds,

and teachers too.....

and even one for our own table.
Life is good. Happy Thanksgiving.

Tuesday, November 25, 2008



means "leave me alone!"

today for no reason that feels important enough to me, i held my son's hand as he was strapped to an E E G machine.

a child who abhors the light touch of tickle, was asked to quietly lay down as a technician marked circles with a red marker all over his head while measuring the distance between marks.

she then lightly put glue on those red spots.

and then attached what she called a mini camera to those glue spots.

and then wrapped his head with gauze to hold in all in place.

and then remembered to attach two more of those electodes to his chest.

then proceeded to put a light over his eyes that flashed furiously.

and then asked him to be quiet now and go to sleep.

as i lay down on the hospital bed next to him, he asked,

"why am I hooked up to cameras?"
"WHY can't I talk ?"
"why did they put cameras near my nipples"

and i couldn't answer him because the nurse told me to ignore him. i squeezed his hand three times; our secret message; I LOVE YOU.

at which point he sat up and yelled,
"ok, this is a little too freaky"
"Ok mom, I'm done, we can go home now."


"H E L L O is anyone out there? This is too weird for me!"

at which point i sighed, the nurse walked in and asked him to drink the anesthesialike stuff.

which he informed me smelled like ROBITUSSIN.

which he refuses to allow in the house.

which then I had to leave and get DAD.

which caused everyone to hold him down to give him the stuff.

and as he was falling asleep, not allowed to talk, pointed with his finger to the air and spelled,

M O M.

his secret message that he just invented for dad to go and get me.

which dad was not allowed to do because the nurse said so.

but when he fell asleep, mom went in.

and they recorded his brainwaves.

even though he has never had a seizure.

that i know of.

and they gave him a cute bear.

and now we are on our way to celebrate his good job with chinese food.

the medical community needs to leave him A L O N E.

he knows more than them.

Wires on heads don't make a good time to nap.


"It is our choices that reveal who we are far more than our abilities." - Dumbledore from Harry Potter

it is a quote written on the magic marker board in my son's class. a class of 6 children with various abilities and disabilities. a quote that i found so profound that i am typing it here and putting it up on a wall at work. i work in a residential treatment center for teen boys. i read the series last year with these boys and somehow missed it. so now i find myself pondering the choices that i have made that reveal far more about who I am than any strengths or gifts that i claim to posess.

Sunday, November 23, 2008


in browsing through my photos this morning, I came across this photo that my oldest has downloaded to my computer.

my oldest is a history addict and in particular is interested in his family history.

he tells me that this family coat of arms is old because of it's colors and simplicity. (he also looked dates up on line but don't tell him I told you so)

It amazes me watching him research with such intricate detail the early formings of my father's family.

When he talks about history- albiet the male's version- he becomes alive and animated. He knows his wars, his weapons, his rulers, his governments, and the people of those times.

He actually makes me want to delve into history and learn.

The other day he asked me if it bothered me that he get this coat of arms tatooed on his arm....


he's not a tattoo kind of kid...or maybe it's me that isn't a tattoo kind of mom.

He is 21 years old- I don't recall ever asking my parents for an opinion at that age. Frankly, it could be worse, he could be wanting to tattoo a girls name on his arm. I consider myself lucky.

Saturday, November 22, 2008

Dysfunctional before dysfunctional was "in"

Dysfunctional before dysfunctional was "in".

care to join me on a ramble about my childhood?

dysfunctional; that's what my family was. as a little girl in a neigborhood where homes stood so close together you could pass sugar between neighbors without leaving your kitchen.

the homes were built in the early 70's, starter homes, they were called.

everyone who lived there were working class; i.e. poor. poor white trash but i didn't know it at the time. the rest of my town did.

my family? we were the poorest in that poor neighborhood, it seemed. we were definitely treated different than others, some parents didn't even let their kids play with us.

as an parent, i have come to know why.

my parents were products of the 60s.

my mother and father drove a light blue VW Bug.

They were in the "indulged" generation whose parents were WWII and depression survivors.

I have heard them referred to as the "me" generation.

Having said that, some levels of "me" are just a little too, well, "ME".

My parents were best friends with the next door neighbors. They had a daughter and son, the girl was one year my junior, the son was only months older than my brother. The two families became close friends.

and then some things started happening. I am not sure exactly what, being I was about 5 years old, innocent and in love with my parents.

my father started to see the woman next door. I am told he was confused at first because while he lived with my friend's mother at the local ski resort; my sister was conceived by my mother.

eventually, he chose the neighbor's wife.....standing at the door one day with his guitar in one hand telling me that he would never see me again.

I remember the pain. the tears. and my little brother's hands holding mine tightly.

It didn't seem long before we had to move.

next door.

Seems my mother was having a baby by that woman's husband; and they were getting married.

the girl next door and I were best friends and in our innocence, overjoyed about becoming "sisters".

Memories of my youngest brother being born are fond. Moving to the other school district as our homes were on "the line" weren't so fond. Missing my father and his family created an ache in my heart. My new step father never seemed to like me nearly as much as he idolized his children, that he was raising with my mother because their mother left them to live with my father.


bad boundaries.

a family that if I met them today, I would not let my children play at their home.

There are just too many things that cause a red flag.

so today, some 35 years later, I wish I could tell you that everyone grew up and all is well.

they didn't.

they are still wounded, sick and stuck in that teenage mindset that they were way back then.

When I read stories about dysfunctional families...or see them on t.v.; a part of me says,
"hey babe, you don't know dysfunction" and I wonder why now it seems like people brag about their lives in this way?

mine was a horrible secret. a family i was ashamed to be a part of. a face i was ashamed to look at in the mirror. a life i tried to run far from.

dysfunctional before dysfunctional was cool.

and one generation above them?

there really wasn't that much dysfunction. Normal every day people problems. my mother was a military brat and hated moving around the country. BUT both my parents came from island families...generations of relatives living on Martha's Vineyard. Large extended families full of love and's that family that has kept me somewhat connected to sanity.

Lately, I dream about the social changes that the 60s fought for, I cheer the new FDR we have in office, I hope for return to a path of freedom for people....but there is a part of me that hangs on tightly; because some change can is painful for others.

The "me" movement instead of the "establishment" was much needed....but it is my opinion that there needs to be balance. Taking care of "Me" without respect to social norms should never be about neglecting children in your care; or causing pain to others for your gain.

It wasn't the divorce, or remarriage that made my life painful growing up; contrary to what the christian right would say. Nor the 60's lack of values and merge towards social changes. It wasn't secret affairs nor visits on Saturdays with dad.

It was the pain turned into hatred within the adults in my life that hurt my childhood. Selfishness to levels of insanity. Selfishness to levels where humans became monsters; not caring about the little eyes that looked to them trustingly and adoringly. Using children in a chess match to prove to the other set that they (the new couple) were better than the other couple. Seriously. moments where that insantity manifested by visitations ending well past the court orders. moments were one couple are screaming at the other couple in the car as children are piling in or out. a particular moment where my step brother was pulled; one arm by my mother, the other by his mother. the women screaming at each other that he was "their" child. my mother telling her that she abandoned him because she didn't care; his mother yelling at her that she gave birth to him but had to leave because of domestic abuse. adults telling teenagers that they left because the other spouse was a better sex partner. moments in hell.

I guess I ramble outloud to let the reader be ware. Fight for CHANGE. Change is needed. Just look at eyes looking at you for answers about their identity in your lives as their parents. Remember covenants that you make, outloud and silent ones. Remember most importantly that change should be about us lifting up; empowering each other. As soon as we step on another for any reason; we have walked off the path of change for the betterment of society....

Tuesday, November 18, 2008


that is one phrase I remember from Latin in ninth grade.

It means, "I AM"

I also remember other things...

Cultural things that our teacher told us about the Greek Civilization.
Historial things like the volcano of Pompeii.

I remember learning that our language has its meaning from early latin/greek origins.

I remember being told that the Greek word Familia..

meant anything that a man owned, including his wife, animals, house, and children.

I remember learning that it was a patriarchal and patri-lineal society.

and we read some love poems...

but they weren't for their wives.

No, their wives were kept in their homes with their children,animals and belongings..

they were for their "lovers"; other men.

Men were worshipped, revered, loved and honored.

So I come to the crux of this thought process...because that is what blogging is for me.

On my previous post, I quoted a scripture.

Of course I realized that the men being referred to had little to do with homosexuality.


Maybe I come across on my blog as simple, but I like to talk simply and be direct. I am not totally uneducated.

My point is however, that languages and cultures have shaped our current culture and values.

Especially our spiritual ones.

I pose questions to get us to think.

There really are people who take scriptures literal...and leave things out when it pleases them to do so.

that's all.

Let's all think, talk, and encourage growth.

as my kids at work would say, "it's all good."

Sunday, November 16, 2008

Two Men in One Bed? Luke 17:34

I have to tell you, I wish I had spotted this one for myself, but a more wiser friend pointed this out.

Scripture confuses me these days, seriously.

Somehow, it used to all make sense, even when it didn't- it didn't seem to matter.

I find myself wondering about scripture- about christian values- and ultimately about Jesus.

Is scripture the Perfect living word of God? without error? and if so, which translation? I am told that the King James version is the one without error.

There is so much in scripture that perplexes me.

What perplexes me more is what the CHURCH does in the name of scripture.

Take for example, homosexuality.

Talk to any fundamental christian and they know; it is sin. Talk to some, and they would have no problem yelling, screaming, condemning, and even arresting those who call themselves gay.

and yet, I come across this verse. Jesus is talking about the rapture...if one is so inclined to believe in the rapture. Look it up for yourselves, I give you the infallible KING JAMES VERSION.

....and it says,

"I tell you, in that night there shall be two men in one bed; the one shall be taken, and the other shall be left."

So I ask you, christians and and strait....jew or muslim,


and if they are doing anything remotely near to what I am doing with my husband, then "WHY IS ONE BEING TAKEN TO HEAVEN?"

could it be possible that homosexuality is not a sin?

Thursday, November 13, 2008

and he turns 21!

I was 20 years old. It was fall. The world was going to sleep; I was waiting for new life. A season out of season.

The leaves turned color, the smell of snow fell on the air, I waited....and ached to see his little face.

On this morning, I woke up early, 5 am early, and it was snowing. I was amazed with the snow, it was the most beautiful snow I had ever seen. It caused me to want to cook....

so I began cooking meals for a week...then two weeks...and then there were enough homemade meals from scratch in my frige to feed the entire third world...

so I looked at the snow...and it caused me to want to clean. so I cleaned the house from the top to the bottom...and every drawer...and every closet...and every tea cup.

and looked out at the snow.

which caused me to call everyone I know to say, "HAPPY FIRST SNOWY DAY". it didn't often snow this early in November. So people thought I was going to go into labor.

but I didn't think I would because I was already three weeks late, and this child was doing "his own thing" already. I doubted that he would ever come.

that night, after dinner,3 weeks late, standing by the phone, when GUSH, the waters a damn, a flood on my kitchen floor.

I hollered, "Mike, I broke my waters..."

nonplussed, the man ignored me...see in my last month; every time I sneezed, every time the baby moved...I thought my waters broke, but it was a bladder issue.

Now I knew the real I called him to come and see.

Grabbing every towel that we owned, we mopped up the mess and called the doctor.

24 hours and some later; I gave birth to a 9 pound 12 oz whopper boy that I named Jason.

November 14, 1987.

and 21 years later I still havent' stopped loving him with all that I am.

I have so much to say and no words to tell it...

I only hope that whatever I was supposed to pour into the child is in there..enough to get him into manhood...enough that he can start walking....without leaving his mama behind.

Happy birtday'll always be my dinkydoo.

Monday, November 10, 2008

A little thing I read online in the press...

Do my eyes decieve me?

"WASHINGTON – All smiles and compliments, President-elect Obama and his wife, Michelle, called on President Bush and first lady Laura Bush Monday in a White House visit that was part political ritual, part practical introduction and a striking symbol of the historic transfer of power to come. The president and Obama talked war and financial crisis. Laura Bush and Michelle Obama talked about raising daughters in the nation's most famous house."

Does this offend anyone else? Didn't we just enter the era of "change" of "openmindedness" and well, "maturity"

those are some adjectives described this week after America elected a black president.

And TWO LITTLE SENTENCES puts us back into the neanderthal period.



I hope the men shared what it was like being a daddy in the white house...and I hope that the educated women had a little more to say than how to serve tea, bake cookies and be a mommy.



How is this still tolerated???

*this article was quoted from the Associated Press

Sunday, November 9, 2008

a request I sent out to the homeschoolers CHAT, just now

Why is it that when mom goes to work.....
and 5 year old girls play quietly....
dad's think all is well?

OK that rant is for another day.


my daughter gave herself a makeover when no one was looking

her bangs were getting long apparently.. .

and now they are butchered...
and so is the rest of her head.


we usually go to cost cutters in (city near home)...but I think this calls
for desparate measure...

ANYONE KNOW OF A GREAT let me say that again GREAT hairdresser that
can make my daughter beautiful again inspite of hair of various
lengths...and in the presence of a hyperventilating mother??????

(City near home) area. that can see us N O W ?

trying to make this a fun moment...but not getting there...might
just get myself divorced instead....


so she is independent and wants to be a beautician, RIGHT????


I think I am going to take her to get her nails painted today...and
try to make this some sort of a positive thing...


anyone want a husband???? HE IS FREE FREE fact, I'll send
him with food, money, clothes and soap....



Saturday, November 8, 2008

Obama holds a press conference?

Were you all a little surprised?

I certainly was. I don't recall a president elect holding a press conference to address the state of the economy or well the state of anything

so his actions, leave me thinking.

What is his motive?

is he trying to show that he is a strong leader?

did he get a briefing from the white house that was worse than he expected?

is he taking power over the leadership, now, during a lame duck session?

is he trying to assure the consumer confidence so that things don't get worse going into christmas?


Can I tell you a secret?

I fell in love with him. I loved his open candor, his smiles, his strength, his speech....his jokes. I wanted to run and buy him a hypoallergenic dog! I laughed when he called himself a mutt. I smiled when he spoke to the newsreporter with a hurt arm.

First time in a long time that this woman actually stayed paying attention to a briefing of any kind from the white house...I think September 11, a few years back was the last time.

Scares the shit out of me. Frankly, when someone is that engaging socially, I worry about them being sociopaths.


maybe I work with too many of them?

Nah, I have followed too many engaging speakers to church. I have surrendered my money, my time, my values, my adoration....

to be spiritually raped.

kicked in my blood.

I have donated money for a needy family in my church and found out later it was for their salt filtered inground pool "PRAISE GOD"....when I needed beds for my littlest children but the pastor said he prayed, and a family was in "need" so I thought they needed more than me.

I have cooked, cleaned, prayed with, cryed with, babysat for free for, created ministries.....

and left to cry alone when I lost two babies while in my womb.

and left to worry alone when my teenager needed surgery.

and left lonely, when the mother's group that I formed, started meeting without me because I was crying too much about a very recent miscarriage.

So, I'll stay glued to this mesmerizing pastor- um I mean president elect.

But I'll watch from afar; and wait....and keep my money in my wallet; my hope in check; and my adoration hidden.

Spiritual abuse has far reaching tentacles....

Friday, November 7, 2008

To thy ownself be true.....

This morning as I was readying THE CHEEK OF GOD (tysdaddy),
I felt a sense of jealousy.

You see, he is able to write without regard to his readers.

WOW. What freedom.

That is what I am striving for......

When I first began blogging, I was recovering from being a born again christian in a fundamental christian cult. It was hard for me to find my own thoughts after those years of being locked up in black and white thinking.

I was affected by comments, most were positive, but some were not. When I couldn't handle exposing myself to shame and condemnation; I stopped blogging.

Then I came across THE BROWNSTONE BIRDER while looking up bird names for my daughter..

and I wanted to write again.

I have unsuccessfully tried to compartmentalize my writings...spiritual abuse in one area; my family stuff in another.

It seems to me that I bore those who write diligently about spiritual abuse/ religion with ramblings about day to day parenting...

or I offend the families that I found with my liberal...straddling the fence...kind of thinking.

I worry about offending; being offended or worse- no comments at all.

Today I strive for the ability to write freely, and without apology.

I am what I am.

I LOVE diversity.
I Love reading blogs that support Obama and McCain...
I Love reading about spiritual journies of many people...
I love hearing your thoughts; for and against and even your prayers...

I believe that in accepting differences; I am increased.

I hope that in sharing my stories; I am teaching others.

My favorite love of all is discovering the families here in blogsphere...
the families of all shapes, sizes and color...

and sharing in their journey of life.

So welcome to my blog corner...stay, discover, disagree or cheer me on...

every once in a while let me know you stopped by..

Wednesday, November 5, 2008

a blossom of.....hope?

ok you all know that I didn't vote and yet I can't not be touched by,

the tears on the faces of Americans,
the woman who fell to her knees in astonishment,
the roar of the noise as they partied outside the whitehouse,
the cheers from across the globe,
the poetry of still rising,

the belief that perhaps our voice might really count is lurking,
that perhaps there isn't a conspiracy to make us working slaves,

like a scared abused puppy peeking from beneath the couch to see if my new owners really do care enough to feed me and love me;

I rise slowly to good thoughts on being American,
to hope that homes won't be lost,
freedoms stolen,
earnings robbed.

Wow. I did absolutely nothing and yet it feels good today to be an American.

Were we really the first country within the slave trade to elect a black man?

Good for us.

We as a nation are maturing and growing up.

Our spirit is evolving.

Who knows, maybe we can have world peace, save the world from hunger and pollution...and leave a future for our children.

Maybe the dream still lives on. . . .


we'll see Obama....January thaw comes quicker than you think.

Tuesday, November 4, 2008


we tried like heck to catch you.....

last night must have been scary sleeping in the wild....ok, not so wild we have spotted you under the neighbor's boat.

we have good food over here.....and well, we miss you....

we'll fix the hole in the cage.....oh maybe I shouldn't tell you that part.


Monday, November 3, 2008


Robin fell asleep with chocolate in his hands....

and when we tried to take them; he grabbed tightly but stayed asleep.

Bell was dancing with daddy as she passed out gifts of pumpkins that she made to all those giving her candy (she's so sweet hearted...)

and BATMAN didn't appear....he was "himself" instead.

but granpa....used to being cast in THE HAUNTED GRAVEYARD at Lake Compounce to raise money for diabeties...couldn't resist putting on his dress ups....
and the cousins were there, causing a scare......

or two....

and then there was the one MACAW cousin, flapping her bright feathers everywhere....


One last rant before tomorrow....

OK everyone gets that we are NOT the electoral collage, right?

You know that the popular vote has voted for one candidate but the electoral vote has been the opposite, right?

So PLEASE, tell me again, WHY ARE YOU VOTING????


If no one is listening when my voice is speaking, what does it do for me to keep on speaking?

Want to know my fears?

I fear that tomorrow the people will vote for Obama....but the electoral vote will be for McCain........and riots will errupt.

I fear that Obama might be elected....and attempts will be made on his life just like every other presidents.....but the public will be told it's because of race...and we'll have more racial problems.

I fear that people will vote for McCain for all the wrong they think he is against abortion (when I was going to vote for him last time; he was a pro choicer)......and think they are doing the more- moral thing.

I fear that if Obama looses- people will feel that it is because America is still overall racist.

But my biggest fear?

McCain winning.....dying of a heart attack....

and that person that claims to be a voice for women with special needs children will be in charge ....


talk to me baby in 7 years when your child has "BEHAVIORS"...and when you don't have income to help you....and oh don't get me started...because I LOVE MY SON but I would never never be a women with a baby saying I know what it is like because when my son was a baby; I held him and loved on him like my other babies....special need problems don't start looking stressful that early........

ok, off my rant.

those are my fears but I respect everyone's right to have an opinion...

too bad we really don't have a voice that counts.