A 40year old female living in New England..... rambling about parenting 4 kids,homeschooling, autism, spiritual abuse, relatives, politics and any other thought that passes through this old brain.
I mostly ramble on "in the garden"
"It is our choices that reveal who we are far more than our abilities." - Dumbledore from Harry Potter
it is a quote written on the magic marker board in my son's class. a class of 6 children with various abilities and disabilities. a quote that i found so profound that i am typing it here and putting it up on a wall at work. i work in a residential treatment center for teen boys. i read the series last year with these boys and somehow missed it. so now i find myself pondering the choices that i have made that reveal far more about who I am than any strengths or gifts that i claim to posess.
dysfunctional; that's what my family was. as a little girl in a neigborhood where homes stood so close together you could pass sugar between neighbors without leaving your kitchen.
the homes were built in the early 70's, starter homes, they were called.
everyone who lived there were working class; i.e. poor. poor white trash but i didn't know it at the time. the rest of my town did.
my family? we were the poorest in that poor neighborhood, it seemed. we were definitely treated different than others, some parents didn't even let their kids play with us.
as an parent, i have come to know why.
my parents were products of the 60s.
my mother and father drove a light blue VW Bug.
They were in the "indulged" generation whose parents were WWII and depression survivors.
I have heard them referred to as the "me" generation.
Having said that, some levels of "me" are just a little too, well, "ME".
My parents were best friends with the next door neighbors. They had a daughter and son, the girl was one year my junior, the son was only months older than my brother. The two families became close friends.
and then some things started happening. I am not sure exactly what, being I was about 5 years old, innocent and in love with my parents.
my father started to see the woman next door. I am told he was confused at first because while he lived with my friend's mother at the local ski resort; my sister was conceived by my mother.
eventually, he chose the neighbor's wife.....standing at the door one day with his guitar in one hand telling me that he would never see me again.
I remember the pain. the tears. and my little brother's hands holding mine tightly.
It didn't seem long before we had to move.
Seems my mother was having a baby by that woman's husband; and they were getting married.
the girl next door and I were best friends and in our innocence, overjoyed about becoming "sisters".
Memories of my youngest brother being born are fond. Moving to the other school district as our homes were on "the line" weren't so fond. Missing my father and his family created an ache in my heart. My new step father never seemed to like me nearly as much as he idolized his children, that he was raising with my mother because their mother left them to live with my father.
a family that if I met them today, I would not let my children play at their home.
There are just too many things that cause a red flag.
so today, some 35 years later, I wish I could tell you that everyone grew up and all is well.
they are still wounded, sick and stuck in that teenage mindset that they were way back then.
When I read stories about dysfunctional families...or see them on t.v.; a part of me says, "hey babe, you don't know dysfunction" and I wonder why now it seems like people brag about their lives in this way?
mine was a horrible secret. a family i was ashamed to be a part of. a face i was ashamed to look at in the mirror. a life i tried to run far from.
dysfunctional before dysfunctional was cool.
and one generation above them?
there really wasn't that much dysfunction. Normal every day people problems. my mother was a military brat and hated moving around the country. BUT both my parents came from island families...generations of relatives living on Martha's Vineyard. Large extended families full of love and stories....it's that family that has kept me somewhat connected to sanity.
Lately, I dream about the social changes that the 60s fought for, I cheer the new FDR we have in office, I hope for return to a path of freedom for people....but there is a part of me that hangs on tightly; because some change can is painful for others.
The "me" movement instead of the "establishment" was much needed....but it is my opinion that there needs to be balance. Taking care of "Me" without respect to social norms should never be about neglecting children in your care; or causing pain to others for your gain.
It wasn't the divorce, or remarriage that made my life painful growing up; contrary to what the christian right would say. Nor the 60's lack of values and merge towards social changes. It wasn't secret affairs nor visits on Saturdays with dad.
It was the pain turned into hatred within the adults in my life that hurt my childhood. Selfishness to levels of insanity. Selfishness to levels where humans became monsters; not caring about the little eyes that looked to them trustingly and adoringly. Using children in a chess match to prove to the other set that they (the new couple) were better than the other couple. Seriously. moments where that insantity manifested by visitations ending well past the court orders. moments were one couple are screaming at the other couple in the car as children are piling in or out. a particular moment where my step brother was pulled; one arm by my mother, the other by his mother. the women screaming at each other that he was "their" child. my mother telling her that she abandoned him because she didn't care; his mother yelling at her that she gave birth to him but had to leave because of domestic abuse. adults telling teenagers that they left because the other spouse was a better sex partner. moments in hell.
I guess I ramble outloud to let the reader be ware. Fight for CHANGE. Change is needed. Just look at eyes looking at you for answers about their identity in your lives as their parents. Remember covenants that you make, outloud and silent ones. Remember most importantly that change should be about us lifting up; empowering each other. As soon as we step on another for any reason; we have walked off the path of change for the betterment of society....
"WASHINGTON – All smiles and compliments, President-elect Obama and his wife, Michelle, called on President Bush and first lady Laura Bush Monday in a White House visit that was part political ritual, part practical introduction and a striking symbol of the historic transfer of power to come. The president and Obama talked war and financial crisis. Laura Bush and Michelle Obama talked about raising daughters in the nation's most famous house."
Does this offend anyone else? Didn't we just enter the era of "change" of "openmindedness" and well, "maturity"
those are some adjectives described this week after America elected a black president.
And TWO LITTLE SENTENCES puts us back into the neanderthal period.
THE MEN TALKED BUSINESS and THE WOMEN DISCUSSED BEING MOMMIES???
I hope the men shared what it was like being a daddy in the white house...and I hope that the educated women had a little more to say than how to serve tea, bake cookies and be a mommy.
THAT PRESS MADE ME MAD.
How is this still tolerated???
*this article was quoted from the Associated Press
I certainly was. I don't recall a president elect holding a press conference to address the state of the economy or well the state of anything
so his actions, leave me thinking.
What is his motive?
is he trying to show that he is a strong leader?
did he get a briefing from the white house that was worse than he expected?
is he taking power over the leadership, now, during a lame duck session?
is he trying to assure the consumer confidence so that things don't get worse going into christmas?
Can I tell you a secret?
I fell in love with him. I loved his open candor, his smiles, his strength, his speech....his jokes. I wanted to run and buy him a hypoallergenic dog! I laughed when he called himself a mutt. I smiled when he spoke to the newsreporter with a hurt arm.
First time in a long time that this woman actually stayed paying attention to a briefing of any kind from the white house...I think September 11, a few years back was the last time.
Scares the shit out of me. Frankly, when someone is that engaging socially, I worry about them being sociopaths.
maybe I work with too many of them?
Nah, I have followed too many engaging speakers to church. I have surrendered my money, my time, my values, my adoration....
to be spiritually raped.
kicked in my blood.
I have donated money for a needy family in my church and found out later it was for their salt filtered inground pool "PRAISE GOD"....when I needed beds for my littlest children but the pastor said he prayed, and a family was in "need" so I thought they needed more than me.
I have cooked, cleaned, prayed with, cryed with, babysat for free for, created ministries.....
and left to cry alone when I lost two babies while in my womb.
and left to worry alone when my teenager needed surgery.
and left lonely, when the mother's group that I formed, started meeting without me because I was crying too much about a very recent miscarriage.
So, I'll stay glued to this mesmerizing pastor- um I mean president elect.
But I'll watch from afar; and wait....and keep my money in my wallet; my hope in check; and my adoration hidden.
This morning as I was readying THE CHEEK OF GOD (tysdaddy), I felt a sense of jealousy.
You see, he is able to write without regard to his readers.
WOW. What freedom.
That is what I am striving for......
When I first began blogging, I was recovering from being a born again christian in a fundamental christian cult. It was hard for me to find my own thoughts after those years of being locked up in black and white thinking.
I was affected by comments, most were positive, but some were not. When I couldn't handle exposing myself to shame and condemnation; I stopped blogging.
Then I came across THE BROWNSTONE BIRDER while looking up bird names for my daughter..
and I wanted to write again.
I have unsuccessfully tried to compartmentalize my writings...spiritual abuse in one area; my family stuff in another.
It seems to me that I bore those who write diligently about spiritual abuse/ religion with ramblings about day to day parenting...
or I offend the families that I found with my liberal...straddling the fence...kind of thinking.
I worry about offending; being offended or worse- no comments at all.
Today I strive for the ability to write freely, and without apology.
I am what I am.
I LOVE diversity. I Love reading blogs that support Obama and McCain... I Love reading about spiritual journies of many people... I love hearing your thoughts; for and against and even your prayers...
I believe that in accepting differences; I am increased.
I hope that in sharing my stories; I am teaching others.
My favorite love of all is discovering the families here in blogsphere... the families of all shapes, sizes and color...
and sharing in their journey of life.
So welcome to my blog corner...stay awhile...read, discover, disagree or cheer me on...
every once in a while let me know you stopped by..
ok you all know that I didn't vote and yet I can't not be touched by,
the tears on the faces of Americans, the woman who fell to her knees in astonishment, the roar of the noise as they partied outside the whitehouse, the cheers from across the globe, the poetry of still rising,
the belief that perhaps our voice might really count is lurking, that perhaps there isn't a conspiracy to make us working slaves,
like a scared abused puppy peeking from beneath the couch to see if my new owners really do care enough to feed me and love me;
I rise slowly to good thoughts on being American, to hope that homes won't be lost, freedoms stolen, earnings robbed.
Wow. I did absolutely nothing and yet it feels good today to be an American.
Were we really the first country within the slave trade to elect a black man?
Good for us.
We as a nation are maturing and growing up.
Our spirit is evolving.
Who knows, maybe we can have world peace, save the world from hunger and pollution...and leave a future for our children.
Maybe the dream still lives on. . . .
we'll see Obama....January thaw comes quicker than you think.
we tried like heck to catch you..... last night must have been scary sleeping in the wild....ok, not so wild we have spotted you under the neighbor's boat. we have good food over here.....and well, we miss you.... we'll fix the hole in the cage.....oh maybe I shouldn't tell you that part.
FALLY and PETER RABBIT.....PLEASE PLEASE COME HOME.
and when we tried to take them; he grabbed tightly but stayed asleep.
Bell was dancing with daddy as she passed out gifts of pumpkins that she made to all those giving her candy (she's so sweet hearted...)
and BATMAN didn't appear....he was "himself" instead.
but granpa....used to being cast in THE HAUNTED GRAVEYARD at Lake Compounce to raise money for diabeties...couldn't resist putting on his dress ups.... and the cousins were there, causing a scare......
and then there was the one MACAW cousin, flapping her bright feathers everywhere....
OK everyone gets that we are NOT the electoral collage, right?
You know that the popular vote has voted for one candidate but the electoral vote has been the opposite, right?
So PLEASE, tell me again, WHY ARE YOU VOTING????
WHY IS IT SO IMPORTANT THAT OUR VOICE BE HEARD?
If no one is listening when my voice is speaking, what does it do for me to keep on speaking?
Want to know my fears?
I fear that tomorrow the people will vote for Obama....but the electoral vote will be for McCain........and riots will errupt.
I fear that Obama might be elected....and attempts will be made on his life just like every other presidents.....but the public will be told it's because of race...and we'll have more racial problems.
I fear that people will vote for McCain for all the wrong reasons....like they think he is against abortion (when I was going to vote for him last time; he was a pro choicer)......and think they are doing the more- moral thing.
I fear that if Obama looses- people will feel that it is because America is still overall racist.
But my biggest fear?
McCain winning.....dying of a heart attack....
and that person that claims to be a voice for women with special needs children will be in charge ....
OMG HOW CAN YOU KNOW WHAT IT FEELS LIKE WHEN YOU HAVEN'T EVEN STARTED PARENTING A BABY WITH SPECIAL NEEDS...
talk to me baby in 7 years when your child has "BEHAVIORS"...and when you don't have income to help you....and oh don't get me started...because I LOVE MY SON but I would never never be a women with a baby saying I know what it is like because when my son was a baby; I held him and loved on him like my other babies....special need problems don't start looking stressful that early........
ok, off my rant.
those are my fears but I respect everyone's right to have an opinion...