Saturday, May 3, 2008

Part 1; HOW ARE YOU DOING?

honestly?

ok in some areas, not so good in others.

What's got me down?

My brother in law is sick. I'm told that he doesnt have much longer to live. This means that my little sister may be relocating to Florida for his treatment. I am close to my sister and our children have grown up together.

I am trying not to grieve the loss before the loss is here and spending as much time with them as I can.

Because of this, I have found it difficult to blog about Hannah's Haven and my experiences with spiritual abuse.

I worry about how he is in pain, how is he going to get through this, is he going to get through this.......it doesn't sound like he is......so then how is my little sister going to support and care for 4 young children?

Otherwise?

tired. I am tired. I have returned to work part time after being out for maternity leave. I am nursing a 7 month old little boy on demand... I am transitioning my 4 year old daughter into kindergarten for the fall....I am still dealing with autism issues with my wonderful 7 year old son.......and am currently living a week of stress as my 20 year old who commutes to college is in the middle of final exams.

and it is May.

that means I have 2 birthday parties to plan (caleb turns 8 and Hannah 5); two graduation parties to attend; and a 10 year wedding anniversary to my loving husband to celebrate!

ah but you wanted to know how I was doing in relationship to God or the exodus from our church group.

I haven't had time to ponder it lately........but you have given me a moment to.

How am I doing?

God, how am I doing?

I wish He would respond. I wish I could hear His voice audibly. Then I would know for sure that I am walking in His path for my life and in the palm of His hands; how secure I would feel.

He doesn't.

SO I wonder WHY my brother in law is sick so young.......

I wonder WHY my little boy has autism........

I wonder WHY the kids I work with (I work in residential treatment center for our child welfare system) have endured such wicked and tormentative childhoods.......

I wonder WHY Hannah's Haven isn't where I want it to be.

I wonder WHY I still struggle with the same sins as I did yesterday.

I wonder WHY death exists.

and yet I am also thankful.....

thankful for an incredibly loving husband who has been my best friend and the stabilizing rock in my life.....and we celebrate 10 years of marriage this May 16th.

thankful for each of my children.....my wonderful 20 year old son that loves his family so much that he commutes to college and helps us around the house. for my 7 year old whose perspective on life is so profound that each day comes to me with a new learning experience. for my 4 year old who wants to dance and dance and dance and dance.... and for my 7 month old who loves to provoke us into laughter by doing hammer head (waving his head back and forth). thankful for their health.

thankful that my husband and I have really good, stable jobs with great medical insurance.

thankful for our home.

thankful that we are not "caught up" in the busy-ness addiction of our old church.


That is how I am doing........

thanks for asking.

2 comments:

Jayne said...

And that sounds just good enough for now. :c) Hang in there sweetie. Hugs to you.

glenn said...

Jane- As usual, your honesty is refreshing. I join you in your questions. I wonder why, too. I think it is pretty cool when one can live one can life of grace and peace(with occasional bouts of desperation and occasional seasons of hopelessness)as we live with things that are unexplainable. Seems like you have an awesome family.