today i came close, really close to loosing my mind.
it all started.......well, honestly sometime over the past few months.
we are on a hamster wheel, turning and turning, running to get there...
there was a goal, I am sure of it.
The goal is to get everyone in this family in their places with bright sunshiny faces.
That means people to work, in school, in therapy....and on time.
and the dryer broke.
and one car died.
so we run to the laundry mat with loads of wet clothes...
and we run to all the therapy appointments, meetings, trainings and field trips with one vehicle.
and my sister's husband is sick, very sick.
and she is loosing her house.
with 4 kids to feed.
so we run. to appointments. to therapy. to school. to work. and wake up each day to do it all over again.
my one year old now needs occupational therapy. it's an eating issue. one similar to Caleb but yet very different.
and my teenagers car died. sunday. he commutes to college.
so today I wake up after working an added shift last night, hoping the money will pay for a new dryer or a car battery. oh, did I add that the new car has a battery that periodically doesn't work?
at 6:30 a.m. my 8 year old woke up screaming and holding his ear...not a good sign.
which woke up my 1 year old screaming "ba ba" wanting to nurse to make up for me being gone last night.
which woke up my 5 year old who never wakes up well if it is too early. so she starting crying, this ear peircing wine.
so I forced myself to get up. get the lunches made. get the clean clothes on. find the homework folders. before the bus can come.
but my 8 year old held his ear, curled up on the couch and peed on it.
so I called his school and called the doctor so he could be seen...squeezed in between dropping my teenager off at college and getting home before the kindergarten bus.
then I left to drop my husband off at work (one car, remember) and beg my sister to come with me to the baby's occupational therapy because there was no way I could handle the 8 year old (he has autism) with the baby who screams through his therapy appointment; which sets off an auditory sensitive 8 year old;
who already peed on my couch so there is no self control today.
they decide to hang out at her house instead. my one year old screams as we leave because it isn't fair; he wants to stay too.
arriving a little early to therapy, I swing by the party store to buy my daughters yellow gloves and crown for her "Belle" costume because there is a Halloween party; tomorrow.
seriously. and I have to go because I have to return a cage that a women lent me when I bought guinea hens from her last week.
because the pamper boxes I brought to her home just wouldn't hold the pecking hens.
so I pull into the party shop parking lot...and the baby fell asleep.
So I drive to therapy thinking I'll catch this store after therapy.
there were no parking spaces at therapy.
and we came to this facility 3 years ago for easier access to the office.
but a factory of some kind moved in next door and takes all the spaces. so I parked illegally in one of the handicapped spaces; after asking permission.
so while my baby is in therapy by himself; I meet a woman with a four month old baby that is bigger than my 13 month old. and it makes me worry more.
and I rest for a half hour thinking, wow, he isn't crying this time....this is progress.
then the therapest opens a sound proof door (can I buy one for my home?)and he is screaming for his life. he is out of breath as he sees me. she hands me an eval. it's not good. he needs therapy two times a week. yeah, in the middle of my week filled with vision therapy, dog therapy, occupational therapy and speech therapy for my 8 year old. yeah right. but I sign him up because, well, I want early intervention, right?
so I go back to the party store and they don't have yellow gloves.....so I buy white ones.
oh well Belle, get a life.
I run next door to Aldi's to grab a few food items to get through tonight until I can shop tomorrow. I fill my basket, get to the register, and they can't take my debit card BECAUSE THERE IS A CRACK IN THE MAGNETIC STRIP...so I leave my groceries there and race home to get my oldest to get him to school before he is late.
when my sister calls.
Caleb peed his pants and needs a change of clothes.
So I race the teenager to his class, run to my sisters, change my son, feed him and race him to his doctor's appointment.
I get him into the car on time but the car won't start. (remember that quirky battery).
So my sister comes out to jump my car but I can't find my cables. husband tells me (thank god for cell phones) there on the floor in the front seat which I can't see them because it is a mess.
I jump the car but now my son wants to ride in auntie's car.
So I start counting to ten...and back again...and bribe and threaten...and we get to the pediatrician's office ten minutes after 2pm
to find out that the appointment is at 3.
Which means that my son who can't wait without spinning circles around everyone; has to wait.
and they run late anyway.
so at 3:15 I tell the nurse I will come back after I go catch the school bus for my kindergartner.... but the wonderful doctor hears me so she comes quick.
and he has an ear infection.
would ya think?
but she has a million other necessary questions about all his other evals.....yeah he is going through a ton more evals, MRI, catscans, sleep studies...but I can't talk...so I tell her I'll catch up with her in two weeks because he has an appointment with her to check HIS WEIGHT.
yeah, he weighs too much....
and the baby comes in around the same time because he weighs too little...
and I rush to the car,
and I race to beat the bus....
and I get one off the bus to nurse the other...
and plan dinner to find out things are missing (remember Aldi's?)
then it is time to pick up husband and go to pharmacy to get perscription.
I walk into CVS like I have for years. I walk to the "drop off" counter and the woman is not waiting on anyone. I try to hand her a script but she rudely tells me that she is busy.
A woman is asking another employee questions about items near me...this looks like it is going to take a while.
So I ask the first woman because I am confused, if I can drop off the script so I can shop.
This rude woman says something like "YEAH< but I am with a customer so you can do that after you wait your turn!"
which is when I lost my mind.
"NO THANKS I'LL GO SOMEWHERE ELSE WHERE THEY WANT MY MONEY AND BUSINESS AND DON'T HAVE FREAKING BAD ATTITUDE" and stormed out of CVS and into the parking lot and into the car, shaking, and crying...and telling my husband we can NEVER GO IN THAT STORE AGAIN.
because I am sick of being yelled at; told NO; kicked; things thrown at my head...oh that's the autism.....
I drive to STOP and SHOP. Drop of the script. Buy a bag of Baby Ruths and walk around eating them while trying to figure out what I need.
THEY REMODELED THE FREAKING STORE so I can't find anything I need.
so I buy important stuff like ice cream, whip cream, bananas and things I haven't bought in a really long time....and remember to get the chicken noodle soup, gingerale and saltines for my sick kids.
I get in line, OK has anyone tried to pay for groceries these days? there are like double the amount of self help lines than those with an employee!
I figure if I am going to ring up my own groceries, they ought to pay me the $7.00 an hour while I am doing it that they pay their other employees who do the same thing.
plus i need someone to type in my card as a credit, because the strip is broke.
As my groceries are being rung up; I recognize a woman in line behind me. My obgyn who was proud of me when I lost weight by eating healthy....and she has a ton of healthy food...
I frantically start bagging the candybars, ice cream and canned soup to hide what I am feeding my family...evil processed garbage...
when a woman from the PTA walks by....
and I realize that I am shoving groceries into plastic bags; lots of them.
Oh, I didn't tell you that I am pushing the school to go "green" and have started a committee for this venture....complete with trying to get a composter for the school and chairing the committee for FAMILY FUN DAY in January; a crafting workshop using clean garbage.
and here I am; green queen; shoving processed chemical junk into plastic bags that are killing dolphins in the pacific ocean.
crap. Maybe I'll tell them I had no plastic in my own home to bring in and had to buy junk food in plastic garbage to help teach a lesson to those who are ruining our planet with their garbage!
Ha! Yeah, that's the ticket. Do ya think they'll believe it?
you win some days; you loose others.
thanks for listening....but I got to go pick up my son from college....
maybe I catch your comments on my rebound when I come back tonight to eat the banana split.
got any creme de mint? rum? vodka? anything?
You know, they run classes at some therapy centers for parents to learn how to take care of themselves in the midst of autism.... a group once a week to listen to other mother's vent.
What the hell do I need that stress for? I'll come home to my house trashed!
Why doesn't someone just get my insurance company to pay for a maid twice a week...then I could de stress!
but you know I complain but I wouldn't trade my kids for anything- I love them all and am blessed to have them in my life...so don't misunderstand me; it was just a bad day.
So you'll love me - As the excavation of my soul continues, more and more epiphanies are breaking through. I have been intentional in listening to my heart, my "deep down."...
4 days ago