Thursday, July 17, 2008

STAND UP STAND UP for my life.........

Tights never felt right, not before and certainly not after. . . .

We were late for church. somehow I was to ride with them in the pacer...the car with the bubble window back. I didn't want to go with them in that car that smelled like wet dog, with him in it.

I had a hole in those tights, that I remember. I was trying to get them to let me ride in their car to church, but we were late and my complaining was making things worse. I wanted to change my tights, but well, we were late for church.

So I climbed in their car. He climbed in the back next to me. My breathe began to leave me. My heart started racing, I was scared. I wanted to go home. I wanted to get out of this car away from him.

His hands were filthy. stained with grease and oil from working on cars. they smelled like old metal going rusty and well, like him.

Those stubby oily hands found the rip. I moved my leg, trying to squirm away, surely grandpa or Ruth would see us in the rear view mirror.

The fingers insisted and made their way through the hole in my tights. Persistant, ugly hands.

Thats when I left. I looked out the window and watched fields of flowers go by. . . . . afraid to be in me, afraid because I had already told the secrets.......and no one seemed to care.

The church "handled it". I guess he confessed his sin and was made clean.

I don't really know. No one bothered to tell me much except that I should understand. See, his father did this to his sister and him. One day their mother walked in and he shot himself in the head. He lived I am told, but brain dead....lives in a convalescent home and his penis still gets hard. That's what they tell me. I guess it is supposed to make me feel better.

No, I would have felt better if he shot his kids, his wife and then did the job right to himself.

Then I wouldn't be telling this story. then, my grandfather wouldn't have married his evil wife... then, I wouldn't be so freaking f'd up in the head.

We arrived at church pretty quickly. I jumped out of the car as fast as I could.

"Damn" I thought to myself, he tore the tights bigger, now I will be in trouble for making my tights more ripped. She'll think I did it because I wasn't given the time to change them before church. Somehow, it is always about her.

Worship had started. There I found my peace. I raised my hands and shouted. If I could just scream it out, I could get our Lord's attention....maybe then he could wash me white as snow too....maybe then he could make me innocent again........and wash away this horrific shame. Maybe then he could come for me and keep me safely in His arms.

"Wash me in the blood of JESUS".... became a begging plea for me. WASH ME CLEAN Lord...get the grime of the car grease off of me.....get the yucky feelings far from me Lord because I am SO alone and so afraid........and I want to die.

His mother could smile such a beautiful holy smile. She could utter all the right things in church....but I knew the truth. She was the devil in sheeps clothing. The leaders of the church were decieved. I forced myself to focus on her evil to not be decieved. She called me a whore, I was a bitch, a fresh mouthed brat. She is a liar, and I have to remember that but I get confused and sometimes believe her.

I was in 3rd grade when he started "approaching" me. He babysat me while my mother went out. He was my "uncle andy". It was fifth grade when the story came out. I told a friend one night after our teacher telling us about strangers "approaching" young girls in the bathroom. He wasn't a stranger. The friend told her mother. The mother called the school. The school called my parents. My mother asked me what happened, and I told her. He admitted it, except he said that I lied about threatening him.

Had anyone seen how MEAN and ANGRY he could get? and they didn't believe me that he threatened me........ because he told all the other parts of the truth.........and he never told me he was sorry.

Sorry for what?

For dreams of smelly filthy hands touching me. For robbing me of my innocence. For setting me up to learn to take care of other people's needs over my own (his father molested him afterall, so I had to understand- at age 10; I had to understand).

For confusing my reality so that later I would falsely accuse my step father of his crimes and live in that shame.....

For dividing my family because apparently my mother had a deep need of approval from her father that surpassed my need for safety and healing.....

For blaming me and somehow convincing me that it was all my fault. The terrible whore that I was in 3rd grade.......

I don't just blame him. I blame lots of others. But this blog is about HIM because I am now 40 years old and he was just arrested.

For child abuse.

For beating his daughter at a public pool.

His mother is coming from Florida to bail him out of prison. Where he needs to stay.

He molested many others in our neighbor NO HE WAS NOT IN LOVE WITH ME.

Why do I say this? Because one I know asked me that this past year.....he is a filthy rotten child molester who has been able to con the world for the last 40 years.

His mother is coming up to bail him out, did I say that? HA! But I didn't say where she will be staying....

at my own mother's house.

And she wonders why I hate her. Because she first hated me. It's not all about hate, but when moments like this come, it is a deep hate and we both pretend that it isnt' there.

She chooses them over her own daughter, over me. That therein is the problem.

It wasn't him molesting me that left such huge scars (because I am a strong woman); or his mother's evil blaming ways; or the church's need to cover it up and keep in within the church; or my totally confused spiritual reality....nope. all that, I can forget about.

You know, how they all tell me "forget about the past, let it go...."

It is the continuing betrayal of my mother that keeps ripping my heart to shreds.

How does one let go of pain when hurts are still hurled at you?

It is why I am calling the Meriden Police Department tomorrow to testify against this man. In front of HIM, to ANDY, to Ruth and to my mother.

To stand up and say S T O P.

Maybe then, I'll find healing.

Maybe then that poor little girl will be delivered from her hell. He already lost a daughter to the state, how was he able to have more children?

To those who know me and read this- you know I have to do this to get back my life. To get back that shred of sanity and self esteem that I once had.

Pray for me. for my safety, for my sanity and for those that I love.........

Copied from CT Judicial Dept. Court Docket:
Defendant Information

Birth Year: 1961

Times on the Docket: 2

Represented By:
Docket No: N07M-CR08-0247795-S

Program: Court: Meriden GA 7


Arrest Date: 7/15/2008

Bond Amount: $20,000 (This case only)

Bond Type: Set
Activity: Awaiting Disposition (Not Released From Custody)
Next Court Date: 7/30/2008 10:00 AM
Statute Description Class Type Occ Offense Date Plea Verdict
53-21 RISK OF INJURY TO CHILD C Felony 1 7/15/2008
53a-181 BREACH OF PEACE 2ND DEG B Misdemeanor 1 7/15/2008


Tera Rose said...

P.s. there is a support group for parents whose children were molested posted at the Family Advocacy group board on Broad st...if you're reading this; maybe it is high time you considering going.

Tera Rose said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
shaun said...

WOW, i am so sorry Tera.
I hope you find the peace and healing you need.
I hope that that man spends the rest of his life in prison.

ET said...

I'm so sorry, May God Bless you, and your family.. I was reading a book called " a glimpse of Heaven" And I found something for me there...I met Sue, Sat. Night at church, and she left me this verse and book, when I walked her to her car.. Jermiah 33-3, then I looked and found Jer-29-v12, and then Paslms 50-v15, and still Paslms 145-v19...This may not all apply for you ok? but I feel ya, I had bad experience when I was a young boy from a neighbor's son...Sometime scares run very deep for us, and we act poorly, I was a very angry young man, but I learned to move on myself, and got some help from family,and friends, I never hurt anyone, quite the opposite actually.. I'm married have 3 grown children myself, and 2 grand children whom I adore! I spend most of my time as all of us, trying to work, and do whats right most of the time, I live to serve, and help others...I so thankful, We all live with pain!! OMG! it's so true, maybe you can't always see it, back-pain, internal, sometimes strong emotional scares...You have my prayers, and I know the fathers heres you..I was led here for no other reason then to pray for you in the name of the father, I wish you well, God Bless
best regards,
Erin- Kg4yqk 73!

Sherry at the Zoo said...

He needs to stay in jail....for a long, long. long time. Why would they even consider letting him out?