Homeschool schizophrenia

(i wrote this letter to an internet group of homeschoolers and decided to post this here as well....)

I have self diagnosed myself with homeschool schizophrenia.

Seriously.

I read the homeschoolers blog; the one where the child who was unschooled went to ninth grade.
I find myself thinking;
I AM DEFINITLY GOING TO UNSCHOOL.

then I look around my house, I see laundry not done, clutter accumulating, hear a baby screaming to be nursed ON DEMAND, and watch two older children fighting over a toy, am behind on getting ready for work in two hours, and I think to myself:
I AM DEFINITLY NOT GOING TO HOMESCHOOL.

See, my daughter is supposed to enter kindergarten this year.

I have 2 weeks to figure out if she is getting up early in the morning to climb the stairs of the big yellow bus.

two weeks.

I should have figured this out by now.

But I am homeschool schizophrenic. ...you know me, the mother who thinks homeschooling is so wonderful and I want the best for my children....but can't seem to get anywhere on time let alone with matching socks on each child.

I am seriously terrified that I will be neglecting my children by homeschooling because, afterall, that dumbed down public school still at least has something better to offer than me.

I hear so many parents say that they know how to reach their children the best, they know how to teach their children. Mostly, I feel this way too...until the chaos of life builds up, the chores add up, the demands get overwhelming. ....and my children are plugged into the computer or tv so that I can simply take a shower or wash a few dishes...

HOMESHOOLED SCHIZOPHRENIC,

yup that's me.

I hear voices telling me...."don't put them to school this fall, they will loose their love for learning"

and feel paranoid tremers of fear...."don' t homeschool them, they need structure, organization...and the one with special needs has to have a reason to get up and out every day."

I run to vision therapy appointments, occupational therapy, speech...and lift my shirt in public places to nurse an almost one year old. Yup, I have lost all sense of modesty too.

I spent my summer at the beach, letting my children gather shells, sun, and memories....and now labor day is here.

I don't want my daughter to get on that bus but that evil voice tells me that I can't do this, I will ruin her life.

Is there a lithium for this problem????

Is there a way I can KNOW THAT I KNOW FOR SURE which path is the right path to take.

I mean this decision can mean the difference in my children's entire future.
I know things are fluid- I can enter them in and take them out....but I'd like to find peace one way or another; and stay there.

Does anyone else feel this way??